


Kiss me with a fist, kill me with a whisper

by BitterBuckyBeLittlesMe



Category: Captain America, The Avengers
Genre: Angst, Bruce Banner - Freeform, Captain America - Freeform, Female Reader, Gen, Hurt, Hydra, James 'Bucky' Barnes - Freeform, Natasha Romanoff - Freeform, Other, Pain, Reader Insert, The Avengers - Freeform, The Winter Soldier - Freeform, Understanding!Steve, clint barton - Freeform, damaged reader, dark!fic, guilty!bucky, sam wilson - Freeform, steve rogers - Freeform, tony stark - Freeform, vioence, you - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-10 08:32:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7837735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterBuckyBeLittlesMe/pseuds/BitterBuckyBeLittlesMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader has been with Hydra her entire life, trained by them then set loose on the world.</p><p>She's on a mission of her own now, bringing her demons to the surface but quickly gets captured by the avengers and interrogated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss me with a fist, kill me with a whisper

**Author's Note:**

> I feel this is a dark fic, containing some forms of torture in the form of punishments. I love Bucky, he is one of my faves so just bear with me on some parts of this fic.
> 
> The reader does get hurt and has a slight mental instability issue because of her days with Hydra.
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated, thank you so much for reading, check out my other work if you'd like!
> 
> Xoxoxo

“What are you doing, y/n?” James asked you through the glass.

You sat in a glass box, that was apparently indestructible, not that you could break it anyway.

“I'm not doing anything.Waiting for your pals to let me out of here.”

Everything about you was feline, the way that you let your words slip off your tongue to the way you looked at James.

“They shouldn't have let you down here, James. I'm your weakness.” You said, pushing your hand up against the glass.

He turned his gaze away from you, frowning slightly. You smiled, thrilled that you were getting to him.

“Please, let us help you.” He said.

Your smile fell as you drug your hand down the glass making a violent squeaking sound.

“You're one of them now.”

“They're my family.”

“I was your family!” You screamed, slapping the glass with both of your hands. He didn't even flinch. “Oh that's right, i only meant something to you when it was convenient.” You laughed humorously.

“I tried to protect you.” He said, teeth clenched.

“Sure you did, and look at you now. You're a hero.” Your tone held angry sarcasm.

“I did my best.” 

“You hurt me too.”

His expression softened at that, like he was just now seeing you and remembering what he had done. He looked like he was sorry.

“You trained me too, don't forget that. After they finally scrambled your brain just right they made you go after me. Don't tell me you don't remember that.” You said, cocking your head to the side.

“I remember.”

“See.”

“I didn't want to hurt you!”

“But you did. Every time i missed a step, every time i mouthed off, every time I didn't do exactly what i was supposed to do when i was supposed to do it.” You raised your sleeve, exposing scarred skin, burns healed wickedly. “Remember how i got these?”

“Let me help you now.” He said

“I don't need help. You've made me into everything I've ever needed to be, Hydra said so.” You giggled.

The door at the end of the room opened up a crack. A man with blue eyes and blond hair peeked through, nodding at James. James got up and walked out of the room, his head hanging down. You sat back in your prison, waiting.

**** **** ****

“What was that in there!” Nat asked, upset.

“We know what she came here for now.” Tony said.

“It took three of us to capture her and knock her out long enough to get her in that cell. She's good.” Sam chimed in.

“What do we do?” Clint said.

“Send someone in she doesn't know, someone who might be able to talk her into letting us help her.” Nat said.

Everyone was standing, looking through the one sided glass that was overlooking the entire room. They saw you looking up at them, waving with a grin on your face.

“What do we know about her?” Steve asked, arms crossed.

Tony passed Steve the folder he had been reading, steve held it in front of himself, it had the numbers 17011 on it. The number she was known to Hydra by.

“She was taken by Hydra and trained. She was kidnapped from a very wealthy family when she was 6 months old most likely because they denied Hydra, her parents looked for her for about a year then abruptly went missing.” Steve read aloud to everyone. “That's it? Not even a name? Who knows if the backstory of parents are even real.”

“All she's known is Hydra. That doesn't mean she agreed with them.” Bucky spoke up.

“What did she mean by ‘she's your weakness’?” Bruce asked.

“We were friends, she was like my sister. I tried to protect her as much as i could. I always gave myself up for her. We were going to escape together but they- they changed me before we could. Then i trained her for them, a punishment for both of us.” Bucky said, looking down at you through the glass. If there was one thing he regretted it was letting you down.

“Let me go in.” Steve said. “I've dealt with worse.”

Nobody spoke up to protest, taking any type of plan they could get.

**** **** ****

“So they send in Mr. Perfect.” You squealed.

He sat in the chair James had been in before and pulled it forward. His hair was styled perfectly, his eyes a clear blue, his lips a deep pink. You wanted to ruin him.

You scooted closer to the glass, sitting with your legs crossed, a huge grin on your face. He stayed calm, obviously trying to read you. 

“My name is Steve.”

You pressed yourself against the glass, standing up.

“The Steve? Steven Grant Rogers?” You said excitedly.

“Yes.”

“I've heard so much about you,” You said, falling back down to the floor, lying on your back, head turned towards Steve. “James told me you were born on the 4th of July, how ironic, right? He talked about how great you were, how just. He loved you more than me, i could tell.”

“I call him Bucky. I'm not that great.”

“Bucky? I prefer James. He told me you'd say that. He told me a lot of things. You thought he was dead.”

“I did think that.”

You sat up, face close to the glass, counting his eyelashes as you spoke.

“How does it feel to know you could've saved him? How does it feel to know he suffered and then made others suffer because of you? Did he tell you everything they did to him, did he tell you everything they made him do to other people, did he tell you it was because of you? Because you didn't save him like you should have?”

His expression held calm anger laced with years of guilt and you smiled, laying back down, laughing.

“Did you apologize to him? He's never apologized to me. He has with his eyes when he does that little thing with them that pulls at your heartstrings but I don't count that as an apology.”

“Why are you here?”

“Avoiding the subject are we now? But since you asked so angrily I'll tell you. I'm here for James. I don't want to kill him or anything. I wanted to catch up, talk about old times, like the time he broke my arm. I still owe him a knife to the gut for that one.”

“He broke your arm?” Steve asked, carrying on a worried tone. He didn't even know you and he cared. You finally understood what James was talking about.

“Yeah but I disobeyed orders all the time. I'd be lying if i said I didn't earn my scars.”

“You didn't deserve that.”

“Are you gonna tell me he didn't either, that none of us did? Save it.”

“What's your name?”

“Why would I tell you? So we can become best friends just so i can fall off a moving train and have you believe I'm dead even though Hydra did months and months of experiments on me before hand that might've suggested I could've possibly lived?”

“Don't talk about things you don't know about.”

“Oh, but i do. James told me everything in detail. Like what he thought of when he was falling, how it felt to hit the ground at such an impact and realizing he wasn't dead, what it felt like when Hydra kept fitting him with different metal arms just to rip it off to try a new one; what it felt like when he gave his life for yours. I think i know.”

You rolled onto your stomach, resting your head in your hands, ankles crossed. He probably thought you were insane.

“You wanna know how old i was when Hydra thought it right to train me? I was 6 learning how to throw knives, 7 when they put the real thing in my hands. I was 10 when i knew how to shoot every gun they had on hand, never missing my target. I met James when i was 16, he had been there for 12 years before we were put in the same section, they treated him like shit . . . . I'm 24, well, i look it. They gave us all variations of the serum they had, trying to replicate yours.”

“I'm sorry.” Steve said, hand coming up against the glass, a single tear falling.

That made you cock your head to the side and back up in defense. He didn't need to be soft towards you. You were a cold blooded killer and you knew he could see that, just like he saw it in James.

You scooted forward slowly, looking at him in curiosity, his eyes so blue you wanted to drown in them. You slowly put your hand up on the glass right in front of his, still looking at him curiously.

“Is this supposed to mean something?” You asked quietly, humor in your tone.

“I'm just trying to help you.”

“There's no help for me.” You said, dropping your hand from the glass and turning your back on him. 

“There was help for Bucky, that means there's help for you.”

“I'll kill again. I always do. Maybe this time it'll be one of you.”

“I don't think you will. I don't think you wanted to kill.”

“Yes i do! Don't tell me things about myself that you don't know!” You screamed, scrambling to your feet, getting to the farthest corner of your containment cell, putting your hands over your ears, trying to ignore your flashback. “I like hurting people, can't you tell?”

“You're confused.” The look of pity in his eyes made you want to hurt him, just so he wouldn't look at you like that anymore.

“Let me talk to James.”

“I can't do that.”

“Yes you can! You can do anything you want! I'm the one in the box.” You tried to keep the volume of your voice reasonable.

“I just want to talk to him.” You said, letting yourself begin to cry.

He stood at the sight of your tears, leaning closer into your containment cell, hands pressed against the glass, looking at you concerned. He wanted to help you, he didn't care that you had broken in and threatened to kill one of his own, he didn't care that you were Hydra’s or that you had said unforgivable things to him. He forgot who he was and who you were, just knowing that you were a person with feelings and he didn't want you feeling bad. James was right about him.

“I'll get him, under one condition.”

“What is it?” You said between sobs.

“Tell me your real name.”

“Y/N, but you could've gotten it from ‘Bucky’.” You said quietly, wiping your tears.

“Thank you.” He said earnestly, tearing himself away from the sight of you and walking back down the hallway.

You dried the tears as soon as he was out of sight. You should've felt bad for playing him and using the water works but you had nothing left inside of you for you to feel bad. He got something in return anyway, your name.

A few moments later the door opened up again to reveal a women with impeccably straight orange hair that stopped at her shoulders. She was very precise with the way that she walked and the expression she let set on her features. She was as good as you, maybe even better.

“You're not James. Makes sense that Steve would lie to me.” You huffed out as she came closer. She chose to stand instead of sit.

“He didn't lie. James is coming back, he just needs some time.”

“How much time does a killer need?”

“I don't think you really think that of him. Seems to me that you think quite highly of him, he saved you from a lot after all.”

“Just like you've saved so many? I know you, though I don't know your name, you go by so many.”

“We've never met.”

“Yes we have. A long time ago, when you played for a different team. Tell me, why did they send you in? Did you send yourself in just to see if i remembered you?”

“We're here to talk about you, not me. I don't remember you.”

“Of course you wouldn't. Do you think you being here, with these people, would erase everything you've done? You're a killer, just like me, just like James.”

“That may be true but the difference between us and you is that we chose to do the right thing. We chose to help people.”

“You chose the easy way out!”

**** **** ****  
“She's been on the watch list for decades. She's never been captured. How is that possible?” Bruce said, astonished.

“Doesn't surprise me that she's been on the watch list.” Steve said, throwing papers onto the table.

“Wait, she's never been captured. That means she's really good. If she's never been captured before, why now?” Bruce said, taking his glasses off and looking around at the team.

Nat came walking back into the room, a bit shook. 

“Because she wanted to be captured. She's on a mission here, for what exactly I'm not sure of yet.” Nat said as if it should've been obvious.

“She still asking for Bucky?” Steve asked.

“Yes. Her mission may have something to do with him. It's not clear who her orders are coming from, not like she'd tell us anyway. She doesn't seem to be with Hydra anymore. If she was she would've mentioned them more, there would've been clear clues.” Nat said.

“I should go talk to her.” Tony said, looking down at you through the one sided glass.

“Not a chance. We don't need you to go down there and ruffle any feathers.” Steve said sternly.

“What?! Feathers were meant to be ruffled!” Tony said, shrugging.

“How about we just give her what she wants, see how that plays out?” Bruce asked.

They all turned to look at Bucky who was sitting in the corner staying quiet. He looked up at all of them, swallowing hard. He didn't want to go back out there but he knew he had to.

**** **** ****

“Give me a sign. Tell me there's a God.” You babbled, tracing patterns on the clean floor of your glass cell. You didn't say anything for it to mean something. You were simply saying things that popped into your head, passing the time. “One fish, two fish. Red bricks, blue bricks . . . Shit, i forgot the rest.”

You were waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to come through the doors, not sure if anyone would today.

After a while the door did open but it was some no named guard that brought you water and food. 

He made you stand all the way at the back of your small containment cell, hands where he could see them. You gave him your best smile, assuring him you wouldn't try anything. You had no reason to, the person you were waiting for would come to you.

You were picking at the sandwich in front of you, you hated lettuce. 

You hated Hydra more. You remember what happened there so clearly . . .

**** **** ****

“Do it.” James said, tone hard.

“I did.” You said quietly, looking over at the bars before you. You had swung your way across every one of those damn things six times now.

“Do it again.” He said in the same dead tone.

You turned your gaze towards him, trying to look him in the eyes so he would actually see you. He made it a point to never look at you in the eyes, to never really look at you ever anymore.

“I can't.” You rubbed your left wrist with your hand, scooting your foot back and forth on the ground.

He looked at you angrily and grabbed you by the arm harshly with his metal hand, walking you forward then throwing you the rest of the way. You stumbled forward but didn't fall down, turning your head to look back at him. 

Your eyes watered angrily. You hated Hydra for doing this to him. You clenched your fists and turned back around, readying yourself for the jump up to the bars.

You lept up gracefully, pulling your arms up and beyond yourself, feeling the metal connect with your palms. You huffed out air as you swung your body, getting ready to connect with the next bar, letting the one you were holding onto go.

You felt yourself swing through the air freely, wondering what it would've been like to escape with James. 

That's what pushed you through these drills. You pretended you were going to escape with him, you were pretending he wasn't changed and that he wanted you to get out as much as he had before. 

Your hand never connected with that next bar, instead you lost focus and fell to the ground, not having to see James to know he was shaking his head in disappointment that didn't belong to him.

He grabbed you by the back of your shirt and lifted you to your feet roughly, waiting for you to walk back to your cell they kept you in.

It was worse when he was silent.

He let you walk in past the cell by yourself, closing the door and locking you in. You wish you could remember the moment everything switched completely in him.

You reached your arm out through the bars to him, trying to convey a part of yourself only the old James would recognize.

“James, you have to fight this. You don't want to do this, i know you. You’re not a killer.”

He turned around swiftly grabbing your arm and twisting. “Yes i do! Don't tell me things about myself that you don't know!”

You heard the snap before you felt. You screamed when the pain hit you and leapt back from the cell walls, caressing your arm.

Your scream startled him, he blinked a few times looking down at you. You didn't dare cry, they had taught you a long time ago that only the weak cried. 

“You were like my brother. Come back to me.” You whispered.

“I'm, i didn't mean to do that.” He whispered, backing away from you and turning on his heel just to leave you there. A few moments later someone else came in to help you, taking you to the infirmary. They couldn't have their assasin’s laid up with an injury for long.

For the first time in your life you felt hate towards James.

**** **** ****  
You were startled out of your memories from a loud knocking on the glass. You turned around to see Janes there, a grin spread across your face as you came closer to where he was at.

“It's you again. Here to bust me out?”

“Not this time, sorry. Can i ask you something?”

“I've got all the time in the world, so why not?”

He graced you with a small smile. It was the old him and that made your heart skip a beat.

“You were gone, nobody had seen you for years. Why did you just resurface?”

“I escaped back in the day but you remember that. I didn't feel a need to resurface before, especially since all of Hydra was looking for me to kill me. Some found me and i had to kill them. I came here because i needed to ask a favor of you.”

He nodded, not saying much. That reminded you of the winter soldier, the name you never called him out loud.

“They're listening aren't they?”

“Of course. They're concerned.”

“For you or me?”

“Both.”

“Figures.”

“What favor did you want to ask me?”

“It's a good one. I think you'll like it.”

He looked at you questioningly so you continued.

“I know that they put you in cryo freeze. I saw them do it once and at the time i thought it was to protect the world from you but I should've known better. That didn't change the way i saw it for myself though. I want you to put me in cryo freeze, to save the world from me.”

“There's other answers.” He said calmly.

“No there's not. I'm not going to stop destroying this world. I'm stuck with a sickness I can't shake, you know that, James. You helped make me like this.”

“What you're asking me to do- you were my friend.”

“As your friend I'm asking you to do this for me.”

“This isn't going to save you.”

“I know but it's the closest thing to dying and you know me, i'm still afraid to die.” You sat up fully in your cell, trying to be honest with yourself for the first time in forever. “Don't tell me you won't do this for me, James. I'm so tired of being the way that i am. You owe me more than this and you know I'd never ask you unless i was serious.”

“I should've tried harder for you. I should've been better.”

That made your heart hurt, you made a pained sound in the back of your throat. No matter what you said or how you acted towards him you had never once in your life actually blamed him for what had happened to you.

“You can do this for me.”

He put his head in his hands, breath coming out ragged. Suddenly you were 16 again, sitting in a cell right next to him, listening to him cry.

**** **** ****  
“Hey, it's gonna be alright.” You said through the bars, reaching out to the man in the cell next to you slowly. All the cells there were right next to each other, you barely had to reach to touch him.

He calmed slightly at your touch. It looked like he had been here for a while in the same clothes they brought him in with. 

He finally looked at you, distraught.

“My God. You're just a kid.”

“They say I'm valuable.” You shrugged.

“What's your name?”

“Y/N. What's your’s?”

“James.” He said, sniffling.

“How long you been here? I've been here since the day i can remember.”

“12 years.”

“You'll get out of here soon.”

“Why do you say that?”

“You're brave, i can see it in your eyes. You're brave enough to tell them no, you're brave enough to try and find a way out of here, and you're brave enough to last this long. You could've offed yourself but you haven't. That means you still have hope, you still believe in yourself.” You said squeezing his shoulder.

**** **** *****

“I'm going to open this door okay, I'm going to walk inside and shut it behind me. Don't try anything, please.”

“Don't you trust me?” 

He pressed the side of the glass, it lit up under his touch. You couldn't tell if he was putting in numbers or not but the glass separated itself to allow him entrance. You looked at it in wonder, it had been one solid piece just moments ago.

He walked right up to you and crushed you to him in a tight hug, his metal arm a tight vice around you. 

You hugged him back, squeezing your eyes shut tightly, allowing all of your pent up emotions to surface while in his embrace.

“I'll do it.” He said against your ear. 

“Thank you.” You whispered back. “Thank you for everything.” He nodded against your shoulder, still holding on too tight as if he was going to lose you forever. You had already lost each other once, this wasn't your first rodeo.

You had walked out of that containment cell with him. He held your hand every step of the way. They had all heard you both so when he walked you through the tower none of them objected. 

Lucky for you Tony had made a exact replica of Hydra's machine just in case of an emergency. It looked just as scary as the first time you had seen the one Hydra used.

You took your time marveling it, appreciating what it was going to do for you but hating what it had done to James. This moment was bittersweet to say the least.

You stepped inside the machine, putting on a fake smile for James. He didn't smile back, just stood back with his hands in his pockets.

“I'm not your fault, you know that right? I don't blame you for anything. I forgive what they made you do to me.” 

“You're different and that's because of me.”

“No it's not. It's because of them, because of me. They didn't even have to scramble my brain to get me to kill for them. I was never as brave as you, i was never mentally strong. They wanted to breed a killer and they did.”

“If that's what you believe.”

“You're good, James. You were always much better than me. I think that's why they chose you, to prove something so good and solid could be broken and turned sour. But think about it, here you are. You're still good somehow. They didn't really win did they?”

“You've always had too much faith in me.”

“It's time to close the door.” You said calmly, leaning back into the machine.

“You're sure about this?” He asked, a pained expression on his face. You nodded silently.

He shut the door on you, trapping you inside the machine. 

You felt the coldness start to creep up on you. You kept still, looking at James through the small glass piece you could see out of. You tried your best to smile at him, reminding him this was what you wanted.

“Goodbye, James.” You whispered. “Thank you for saving me.” You closed your eyes, as the ice found its way up to you and everywhere else. You were finally going to be free.

He slowly sat down and rested his back against the machine. You had been a part of his life no matter how little credit you had given yourself.

“I'm sorry, y/n.” And he knew the kicker was that he never found it in himself to tell you such things when you were right in front of him.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: i dont own the characters just the story.
> 
> Not beta'd, all mistakes are my own.
> 
>  
> 
> The part where the reader said "Yes i do! Don't tell me things about myself that you don't know!" Sends her into the flashback but it doesnt get brought up until later where James says the same thing when he breaks her arm. I just wanted to make that clear incase there was any confusion on the mention of the flashback that James saying the same thing was it.


End file.
